Things we musn't do at Hogwarts
by Scorch-X
Summary: A collection of short storys of trouble at Hogwarts.
1. Chapter 1

Harry potter Chalkboard gags

What if Filch did make them write lines?

Chapter 1

1: No matter how good a fake Australian accent he can do, I will not persuade Hagrid to imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

2: Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

3: I am not allowed to attempt to breed a Liger during care of magical creatures class.

4: I will not use Umbridge's blood quills to write "I told you I was hardcore".

5: I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

6: Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

7: If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

8: House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

9: Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

10: I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

11: Adding the name "Freddie Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.

12: "Voldemort: The musical" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

13: Seamus Finnegan is not "After me Lucky Charms".

14: The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror."

15: It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you'll never go back."

16: I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Lady man".

17: A magic eight ball is not a substitute for professor Trelawney

18: I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Gordon Ramsey's kitchen nightmares".

19: I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.

20: The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

21: I am not a Dragon Animagus.

22: I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a basilisk, manticore, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

23: I do not weigh the same as a duck.

24: Professor Lupin does not need a flea collar.

25: Sirius Black is not Inmate #24601.

26: I will not lick Trevor.

27: I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

28: I am not being repressed.

29: Calling Lucius Malfoy "Lucius Mouthful" is just plain gross.

30: I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

1: There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

2: I am not a Pinball Wizard.

3: Asking "How do you keep a prefect in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

4: I will not sell Harry Potter scandal material to Colin Creevey.

5: I will not sell Harry Potter scandal material to Draco Malfoy

6: I will not sell Harry Potter scandal material to Rita Skeeter

7: It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

8: It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

9: I will not send Sir Cadogan on honor quests to Slytherin Tower

10: I will not offer to prepare Tandoori owl.

11: I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

12: I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

13: I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

14: There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

15: I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

16: When I get sent to the headmaster's office, I will not sing 'We're off to see the wizard!'

17: Polyjuice potion is not a toy.

18: I will not B.A.S.E. jump of Gryffindor Tower, nor encourage others to jump.

19: I will not Bungee jump on school property.

20: Flying broomsticks alongside Muggle aircraft is not funny.

21: Sparking UFO scares by flying over cities is not funny.

22: Crop circles are not funny. (Kudos to Fred and George for inventing them though)

23: Transfiguring students is only funny when Professor Moody does it.

24: Eating Doxy Eggs for a bet is not clever.

25: Poisoning bottles of Mead and leaving them in Draco Malfoy's trunk is not a good idea.

26: Patronus' are not to be used to send instant messages during class.

27: It is really nasty to sing "Staying alive" to Myrtle.

28: I must stop telling the Bloody Baron that 'Vanish' and 'Cillet Bang' will remove that blood stain.

29: The Fat Friar does not need Slimfast.

30: Crabe and Goyle are not going to the safari park to meet lost relatives.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

1: I will not persuade Hagrid to join the UFC.

2: I will not replace Professor Snapes medicine with Tic-Tac's.

3: I will not send Voldemort a subscription to Nuts magazine.

4: I will not persuade Lupin, Hagrid and Firenze to stalk professor Umbridge.

5: Draco Malfoy was not created in an accident involving a potions lab explosion, unstable DNA and a dose of radiation.

6: Their is no such thing as Dork Art's.

7: I will not tell the joke about the healer, the hag and the 12" pianist.

8: I will not start a fight club at Hogwarts.

9: I will not brew my own potions.

10: I will not sell the location of Hogwarts to the Sun Newspaper.

11: Writing a book based of the adventures of Harry Potter is a bad idea. Nobody would buy it.

12: I will not sell Doxy droppings as powdered dragon claw.

13: Mr. T could not kick the dark lord's ass.

14: A Muggle armed forces commando couldn't destroy Lord Voldemort with a sniper riffle.

15: Stranding a Muggle in Diagon Alley is not funny.

16: I will use a time turner to manipulate the stock market.

17: I will not persuade Trelawney to attempt to use the inner eye to win the lottery.

18: I will not Transfiguration as "Stop and Swop" Or "Swop-Shop"

19: I will not spike the water supplies with love potion.

20: Basilisk baiting is dangerous.

21: I will not give Sirius Black a copy of "who let the dogs out."

22: Chuck Norris couldn't destroy the death eaters.

23: I won't sell house elves on the Muggle market.

24: Harry potter was called the boy who lived, then the nutcase, and then chosen one. He does not want to be called "The Chosen Nutcase who lived."

25: Ron Weasley doesn't have spatter grout.

26: I will not sell DIY Horcrux kits

27: I will stop yelling Voldemort in a crowded class room.

28: I will not come back as a ghost to haunt the school.

29: The cruciatus curse is not to be used to get exam results fixed.

30: Nor is the imperius curse.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

1: The death eaters are not the wizard's own Manson cult, and you-know-who isn't an albino Charles Mansion.

2: I will not fill Skytherin Tower with fireworks then let Fawkes loose into it.

3: I will not sic Buckbeak onto my enemies.

4: Professor Snape is not a human Squidward.

5: I will stop calling professor Binn's Casper.

6: I will stop calling Nearly-Headless Nick Nearly-Nickless Head.

7: I will not attempt to Apparate.

8: I will not shave Crookshanks.

9: I will not sell poisoned cookies to Slytherins.

10: I will not call Lucius Malfoy 'Sephiroth'

11: I will not call Harry Potter 'Zack'

12: I am not going to test a Bunker Buster bomb against Malfoy Manor.

13: I will not fly to Italy and fix the Leaning Tower with a Rapairo charm.

14: I will not host my own competition based on the Triwizard tournament.

15: I will not make a musical about Hogwarts.

16: I won't hum Imperial March when McGonagall is reprimanding rule breakers.

17: I won't sing Dude looks like a lady at Lucius Malfoy.

18: I will not use Memory charms on people to make them believe they're hillbillies.

19: Jackie Chan could not defeat a death eater.

20: I will not hire Ninja's to defend Hogwarts.

21: I will not sell Firewhiskey.

22: Rosmerata is not a hot piece of ass.

23: Harry Potter does not look like Adrian Mole from that old TV series. (oh yes he does)

24: I will not rudely contradict Hermione and say "I read about it, in Hogwarts a history"

25: I will not swap the house colours for better colours.

26: I will not give a tummy tuck to the fat lady.

27: I will not persuade Peeves to bully Snape

28: I will not enchant shampoo bottles to attack Snape.

29: I will not sneak up on McGonagall and untie her hair.

10: I was not whipped by Mr. Filch as I wrote this stuff down.


	5. Chapter 5: Haters got nothing on me!

1: I will not waste parchment.

2: I will not fly broomsticks inside the castle.

3: I will not burp spells.

4: I will not instigate house elf revolution.

5: I will not animate the pictures in the Karma Sutra

6: I will not call McGonnagal Catwoman.

7: I will not yell "Death eaters" during lunch.

8: I will not encourage muggleborn first years to fly.

9: I will stay away from the Womping Willow

10: I will not trade robes with others...especially if robes belonging to the opposite sex.

11: I am not Voldemorts love child.

12: I will not fly the headmasters broom.

13: I will not sell the schools location to muggles.

14: I will not belch the hogwarts song.

15: The fifth ammendment dosn't cover hogwarts.

16: I will not sleep through class...except history of magic.

17: High Explosives and Hogwarts don't mix.

18: I will not attempt to bribe professors.

- I will not attempt to bribe prefects.

- I will not attempt to bribe anyone.

19: I will not fake spattergout

20: Underwear should be worn on the inside of my robes.

21: I will not ask pureblood students "If your parents divorce, will you still be cousins?"

22: I did not see a stripper in the staff room.

23: I will not play Spin the wand.

24: My name is not Voldemort Jr.

25: I will not switch Professor Snapes asprins with Tic-Tacs

26: I will not prescribe Professor snapes medication to others.

27: I will not eat Doxy eggs for a bet.

28: House Elfs do not bounce.

29: I will not sell miracle cures.

30: I will not put Pepper-up potion into the pumpkin juice.

31: I will not put polyjuice potion containing Harry Potters hair into snapes coffee.

32: Muggle surgery procedures are best left to trained professionals.

33: Death Eater is not a legitimate career choice.

34: Hufflepuff's can only be pushed to far.

35: I will not turn the First-Floor Girls' Toilets into a water park.

36: I will not hide Filch's prozac.

37: Introducing Peeves to paintball was a bad idea.

38: Muggles are people too.

39: Fridays are not "Robes optional"

40: The mediwitch is not dealing drugs.

41: Potions class dosn't have to end in an explosion.

42: I will not scare professor Quirrel.

43: House Elfs and red bull do not mix.

44: Hogwarts does not need a "regime change"

45: Wands are for casting spells, not for "scratching backs, cleaning ears or sword

fighting"

46: Latinis non fluens sum.** (I am not fluent in Latin)**

47: My Crup did not eat my homework.

48: Nobody deserves to be mocked, no matter how Luna they are.

49: I will not use permanent markers on the blackboards.

50: I will not attempt to section professor umbridge under the mental health act of 2007 because Muggle health acts are non applicable in the wizarding world. Unfortunatly.


End file.
